I didn’t actually count to 47. To be honest, it was probably more. But somewhere around attempt number 30-something, I stopped keeping track because the numbers just became depressing.
Each time I tried to quit pornography, I was convinced this time would be different. I had a new strategy, a new app, a new level of determination. I’d make it a few days, sometimes a couple of weeks if I were lucky. I’d feel that surge of hope: “I’m finally doing it. I’m finally free.”
And then, inevitably, I’d get triggered and be right back where I started, usually feeling worse than before because now I had one more failure to add to the pile.
If you’ve been stuck in this cycle, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The commitment, the initial success, the crushing disappointment. The shame spiral. The question is whether you’ll ever actually be able to stop.
Here’s what I want to tell you: those 47 (or however many) failed attempts weren’t wasted. They taught me something crucial about how recovery actually works, lessons that eventually led me to real, lasting freedom. And more importantly, they taught me what doesn’t work, which turned out to be just as valuable.
What I Tried (And Why It Didn’t Work)
Looking back, I realize I was throwing everything at the problem except the one thing that would actually make a difference. Let me walk you through what I tried:
Attempt #1-15: Pure Willpower
This was my go-to strategy for years. I’d wake up one morning, disgusted with myself after another late-night binge session, and declare: “That’s it. I’m done. Never again.”
I genuinely meant it every single time. I’d imagine my future self, free from pornography, living the life I wanted with an amazing partner. I’d feel motivated, empowered even.
The problem? Willpower is a finite resource. It works great when you’re feeling strong, when circumstances are in your favour, when you’re not stressed, tired or lonely. But life doesn’t stay perfect. Something always happened: a bad day at work, a fight with my partner, insomnia at 2 AM, and suddenly that ironclad determination felt like tissue paper.
For me, I was stuck in a loop. I had a gambling and alcohol addiction. Feeling like shit because I lost a ton of money the night before, and being hungover, I needed something to feel better. I’d open up my MacBook and dive deep into porn. That would make me feel better for 0.1 seconds, and I’d feel like shit again because I got myself off to porn.
What I learned: Willpower alone isn’t enough because it doesn’t address why you’re turning to pornography in the first place. It’s like trying to bail water out of a boat without fixing the leak.
Attempt #16-25: Filters and Blockers
After willpower failed repeatedly, I got smarter. Or so I thought. I installed a blocking app, Covenant Eyes, on my phone and a Chrome extension on my MacBook. Net Nanny.
This worked… for about a week. Then I’d find workarounds like deleting the app and using my browser in incognito mode.
The really frustrating part? Even when these filters worked perfectly, the desire didn’t go away. I’d spend hours fighting the urge because I was triggered or feeling like shit.
What I learned: External barriers can be helpful tools, but they can’t fix an internal problem. You can build a fortress around yourself, but if you’re still the same person inside that fortress, you’ll find a way out eventually.
Attempt #26-35: Self-Help and Education
Next phase: I became a pornography addiction expert. I read a few books, listened to podcasts like Consider Before Consuming, and watched hours of YouTube videos about the neuroscience of addiction. I learned about dopamine, about neural pathways, about the Coolidge effect.
I understood why I was addicted. I could explain the mechanics of it to anyone who asked (not that anyone did, I was still keeping it secret). I had a PhD-level understanding of the problem.
But here’s the thing: knowledge alone doesn’t equal change. I knew exactly what was happening in my brain when I viewed pornography. I understood why it was harmful. I could articulate its impact on my life.
And I still couldn’t stop.
What I learned: Understanding your addiction intellectually is valuable, but it’s not the same as recovery. You can know everything about addiction and still be addicted. Information is necessary but not sufficient.
Attempt #36-42: Replacing the Habit
I read somewhere that you can’t just remove a bad habit; you have to replace it with a good one. So I threw myself into replacement activities. Every time I felt the urge, I’d go for a run. I’d do pushups. I’d fire up a Sudoku puzzle. I’d work on a hobby.
This was actually helpful in some ways. I got in better shape. I became a music producer. I became really good at distracting myself.
But the fundamental issue remained: I was still just managing urges, not addressing what was driving them. And eventually, no amount of exercise or hobbies could compete with the powerful pull of pornography when I was really struggling.
What I learned: Healthy habits are great, but if you’re using them the same way you used pornography, as an escape from difficult emotions, you’re just swapping one coping mechanism for another. The underlying issues remain unresolved.
Attempt #43-46: Going It Alone, But Harder
By this point, I was getting desperate. I tried everything with more intensity. Longer streaks of willpower, including a couple of 90-day periods of no porn or masturbation. More comprehensive filters. Deeper study. More replacement activities. I was working so hard at recovery.
But I was still doing it all alone for the most part. I was still carrying a lot of shame and told a couple of close friends, but that’s it. They were supportive at the start, but they weren’t going to be my recovery coaches. I was convinced that if I just tried hard enough, if I was disciplined enough, if I perfected my strategy enough, I could beat this thing on my own.
Looking back, this was the crucial mistake that undermined every single attempt. Not a lack of effort, information, or tools, it was the isolation.
What I learned: You cannot recover from something that thrives in secrecy by keeping it secret. The very act of hiding your struggle feeds the addiction.
Attempt #47: The One That Changed Everything
So what was different about attempt #47?
It wasn’t a new app, a better strategy, or stronger motivation. It was this: I stopped trying to do it alone.
After years of failed solo attempts and after having a relationship end where I came clean about my porn addiction, which we tried to work through, I was at rock bottom. I finally admitted to myself that whatever I was doing wasn’t working. And more importantly, I needed help.
A close friend of mine, Sean Galla, started MensGroup.com a few months after the relationship ended. The timing was perfect, and I joined right away.
The thought of walking into that first meeting was freedom. It was time to admit to others what I had known deep down for a few years: that I was a porn addict.
I had never been in a men's group, but I felt safe right away. In that first meeting during my introduction, I let it all out.
And week after week, as I kept showing up, something else happened: I started to change. Not because I suddenly had more willpower or better tools, but because I was in a community.
After two years of being a member of MensGroup.com and finally porn-free, Sean approached me about starting a porn addiction-specific group, as he mentioned a lot of men were talking about wanting to quit in the online discussion groups. So I started facilitating their porn addiction recovery group and did so for close to two years, when I felt the need to step back and free up some time for myself.
What Actually Works: The Lessons That Led to Freedom
Here’s what those 47 failed attempts, and the eventual success, taught me about what actually creates lasting recovery:
1. You Can’t Hate Yourself Into Change
Every one of my failed attempts was fueled by self-hatred. I was disgusted with myself, ashamed, and angry at my weakness. I thought if I could make myself feel bad enough about it, I’d finally stop.
But shame doesn’t motivate change; it paralyzes it. Shame makes you want to hide, to escape, to avoid feeling the weight of your failure. And what’s the easiest escape available? The very thing you’re trying to quit.
Real recovery began when I learned to have compassion for myself. To understand that I wasn’t using pornography because I was broken or perverted, but because I was hurting deep down and didn’t know how else to cope. That recognition didn’t excuse the behaviour, but it made it possible to address the underlying issues.
2. Community Breaks the Shame Cycle
Pornography addiction thrives in isolation. The more isolated you are, the more powerful the addiction becomes. It’s a feedback loop.
When I finally joined MensGroup and started being honest about my struggles, the shame began to lose its grip. Not immediately, it took weeks, but gradually, as I kept showing up, being vulnerable, and seeing that these men didn’t reject me, I started to see myself differently.
There’s something powerful about being fully known by other people and still being accepted. It begins to rewire how you see yourself.
3. Accountability Is About Connection, Not Policing
I’d tried accountability before, like checking in with a friend every week. It never worked because it was shame-based.
Real accountability, the kind I found at MensGroup, was completely different. It wasn’t about checking up on me or judging me. It was about other men knowing my triggers, understanding my patterns, and helping me stay connected to who I wanted to be.
When I was struggling, I could text someone from the group. Not to confess failure, but to process what I was feeling before acting on it. That kind of support, the kind that helps you understand yourself better and make healthier choices, is what actually works.
4. You Have to Address the Real Issues
Through the process of recovery, I finally started to understand what was really driving my pornography use. It wasn’t just about wanting sexual pleasure. It was about:
- Financial stress from gambling
- Being hungover after a night of drinking
- Boredom and a lack of purpose
- Loneliness and disconnection
Pornography was my go-to solution for all of these things. It numbed the pain temporarily. But it never actually solved anything, so I always had to go back for more, stuck in a loop.
Recovery meant learning to address these root issues directly. To become sober from gambling and drinking. To build genuine connections with new people who live a healthier lifestyle. To sit and honour uncomfortable feelings instead of escaping them. To find meaning and purpose beyond temporary pleasure.
MensGroup gave me a space to explore all of this with other men who understood. And slowly, as I learned healthier ways to meet my real needs, pornography lost its grip.
5. Recovery Is Progress, Not Perfection
Here’s something important: even after joining the group, even after things “clicked,” recovery wasn’t a straight line. I sustained from porn for over a year. I was proud of myself and the strength to move past it. Then still picked it up again.
But what was different was how I responded this time around. Instead of spiralling into shame and giving up, I had people to talk to. I could learn from what happened, understand what triggered me, and adjust my approach.
The men in the group taught me that recovery isn’t about never struggling again; it’s about building a life where pornography has less and less power over you, where the gaps between struggles get longer, and where you have tools and support to get back on track when you stumble.
6. Showing Up Consistently Changes Everything
If I had to distill everything I learned into one principle, it would be this: consistency in community creates transformation.
Not perfection. Not trying harder and not having all the answers and just showing up to the group meeting, to honesty, to the process, week after week after week.
Some weeks, I showed up feeling strong and shared victories. Other weeks, I showed up feeling like a failure, needing the group to remind me who I really was. Both kinds of weeks mattered. Both were part of the recovery. Showing up and being honest if I did relapse was more powerful because I wasn’t diving back into the shame cycle.
My transformation was an interesting one. I was porn-free for over a year, then I relapsed. I kept showing up, getting to know other men, learning from them, and practicing new ways of living.
The Difference Between Attempt #47 and All the Others
So why did attempt #47 work when the previous 46 didn’t?
It wasn’t because I tried harder. I’d tried incredibly hard on many of those failed attempts.
It wasn’t because I had more information. I probably knew less at the beginning of attempt #47 than I did at attempt #36.
It wasn’t because my circumstances were perfect. Life was just as messy and stressful.
The difference was simple: I stopped trying to do it alone.
I brought other people in. I got honest. I showed up consistently. I let myself be known and supported. I learned from men who were further along in recovery. I discovered I didn’t have to figure everything out on my own.
And things started to change after my relapses.
What This Means for You
If you’re reading this and seeing yourself in those 47 failed attempts, if you’ve been trying to quit for months or years and feeling increasingly hopeless, I want you to hear this:
You’re not failing because you’re weak. You’re not failing because you’re uniquely broken or beyond help. You’re failing because you’re trying to fight a battle that can’t be won alone.
The very nature of pornography addiction, the shame, the secrecy, and the isolation make solo recovery nearly impossible. Not because you lack willpower or dedication, but because the addiction feeds on the isolation itself.
What if, instead of attempt #48 being more of the same, another solo effort fueled by shame and determination, it was something completely different? What if it was the attempt where you finally stopped fighting alone?
Other men understand exactly what you’re going through. Men who have been where you are, who have tried everything you’ve tried, who know how exhausting and hopeless it feels. And they’ve found a way out, not through superhuman willpower or perfect strategies, but through showing up consistently in community and being honest about the struggle.
You could be one of those men. But not if you keep trying to do this alone.
Your Next Step
You don’t need to have everything figured out. You don’t need to be at rock bottom or ready to share your whole story. You need to take one step toward no longer doing this alone.
Join a recovery group. Show up to a meeting. Be honest with one other person. That’s it. That’s the difference between failed attempt #47 and the one that finally works
I wasted years trying to beat this thing on my own, years of exhausting effort, crushing disappointment, and increasing hopelessness. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self: stop fighting alone. The help you need is available. You have to be willing to reach out for it.
You don’t have to waste more years. You can make this a different attempt, not because you try harder, but because you finally let other people in.
Ready to stop fighting this alone? Our weekly online porn recovery group provide exactly what I found in my own recovery: a community of men who understand, practical tools that actually work, and consistent support that makes lasting change possible. [Join our next group →]
Not ready to join a group yet? We have a 30 Day Porn Free Challenge PDF you can download here.
Blog feature image courtesy of Vadim Artyukhin @ Unsplash
